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I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

Donors Organ Donor Thinking

If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.

Marketing Memories Valentine

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

Brain Different Stupidity

If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

Adults Happiness Thinking

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

Alone Time Feels Shadow

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

Falling In Love Monday Weekend

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Brunette Cupcakes World

The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.

Expectations Happiness Unhappiness

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

Cases Life Is Tourettes

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Couple Giving Want

I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.

Happiness Struggle

Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.

Sex

Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.

Interest People

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

Difficult Feels Silly

Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.

Drivers Illegal Immigration

A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.

Looks Men Vegan

Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

Fake Father Gun

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

Feels Snakes Traffic

We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.

Born Feel Good People

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

Politics Promise Wish